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Book I of the Goblin Love Stories
Love, life and travels of a goblin shaman
It’s a goblin book, don’t call it a fantasy novel, as these are my very own memories. Yep, it’s a goblin life written by a goblin author, so dont’ expect any niceties about your people, oh no, not this time. There’s enough stories about human heroes already – all fabricated, planking fairy tales.
No, what you need is a book about a goblin, a series of books and it’s called Goblin Love Stories, because it’s all about love and goblins… did I mention goblins?
Get your dose of goblin literature here
An anxious goblin and his crazy fellowship
This book is aaaall about love, mostly.
You may follow me, Joh Ni, the goblin shaman supreme on my long, long, long path from a tiny helpless green toddler to a supreme being… which everyone tells me I am, but I still feel like a toddler most days.
Even so I am the main character I spend the most time running away. I mean the worlds of the Sphere are a dangerous place and there is nearly no species as weak as us poor, little, innocent goblins – except for imps maybe, and humans…
You have to know this journey took years and years and it all started with a series of unfortunate events when a human hero, the curse of the Goddess on them, killed all my goblin comrades. But this did not make it easier to deal with them, dead goblins are as terrible as living ones. While I tried getting rid of those annoying bastards and maybe save my tribe on the side, hordes of demons, elves, skeletons and even a planking monster from behind the rift got in my way.
You may learn a lot of goblin secrets you never would have thought off – who thinks of goblins anyways? But we are more than cannon fodder for your endless wars, all stereotypes are true and stupid at the same time.
And even though this story is a lot about fighting, and mostly running away, it’s also about love, starting from my tragical, unrequited first love. But it’s not some romance, mind you, most goblins have not a tad of romance in them, and I must admit that I may lack in this department too. But your human concept of romance is that of an eight-year-old anyways.
Some may think this is your standard fantasy book. I mean elves, heroes, magic, demons, a doomed quest… its all there, except this book is all about goblins, specifically, about me. These are my memoirs and in this first book you’ll read how I got possessed by 500 angry ghosts, fell in love with an elf, got saved by a hero and made my first steps to become the Goblin Supreme.
THE PEOPLE FROM THE SPHERE
The Goblins
The Humans
The Elves
The Demons
The Others
The Goblins
The Goblins
What’s to say about goblins? Well, you may know us as a bunch of permanently angry, greedy, merciless bastards (and bastardessesses). But that’s just your human prejudice. Firstly, most goblins don’t even know what merci is, most of us think it’s a fancy word for food. And goblins are mostly foodless. Secondly, goblins are not greedy. We tend to like shiny stuff, because we were all born in a planking wet cave and do not own more than the rags on our body and the weapon we stole from a corpse (one of those that do not walk around groaning).
And third… try not to be permanently angry living in these circumstances…
And what’s to say about me? The Goblin Supreme? Bad fighter, good runner, stumbling from one puddle of dragon shite into the next. I could tell you my life story, but I rather let you pay some shiny coins for it…
The Humans
The Humans
Humans are just your mediocre good-for-nothing species. Not as strong as orcs, not as fast as elves, not as smart as dwarves, less magic than demons and not as green as goblins. But their planking self-esteem, those stupid humans think they own everything. They are everywhere nowadays, just like goblins used to be in the old days.
But mind you, their heroics a crazy killing machines: pumped up to the rim with arcane stuff, runes and props. For them killing an army in the morning and a dragon in the evening is just a planking walk in the woods. Murdering an innocent invasion battalion of goblins is just like breathing for them.
The Elves
The Elves
As to expect, I made the acquaintance with elves, and, oh wonder, I survived, which isn’t common.
There are so many kinds of elves, you wouldn’t believe it: Forest Elves, High Elves, Mountain Elves, Sand Elves, Common Elves (which are not that common anymore), and so on… Those elves are everywhere, like… rats, but they are so different in size and shape, you could say the only thing they have in common are their pointy ears. But mind you, goblins are not elves, even so our ears are wonderfully pointy too.
The Demons
The Demons
What a People! Just being close to them… they are bursting with power, magical and physical. They grow bigger than orcs, get older than (most) elves and have build greater cities than even the high dwarves. Their skin is mostly reddish or violet, and you see a lot of it, as they tend to avoid clothing as much as possible. Their women are the smartest and most beautiful I’ve met on our part of the Sphere. The males grow impressive antlers, the older and more powerful they get, the bigger the antlers grow.
I had a brush with one or two of them… nothing to enjoy.
The Others
The Others
Of course, there are countless other species inside the Sphere. Some of them more, some of them less intelligent, whatever your interpretation of intelligence may be…
Orcs , the occasional troll, dwarves, the hybrid people, the wood walkers. There are blue demons born from crystals, ghosts, ghuls, and walking skeletons.
And there are those that lurk behind the very fabric of our reality, imagine an old unspeakable god of tentacles and darkness made sweet love to an angler fish. Can it get more creepy? Well, yes, of course it can…
Joh Ni – Goblin Shaman Supreme
Joh Ni is a goblin, world saviour and author of his memoirs “Goblin Love Stories”
I was born as “Short Nose Number Five” as one of many little goblins. Goblin educations doesn’t take long, it’s mostly: “Learn to walk, grab that sword, kill that thing over there…” I was lucky to have been born with the rare talent of magic. Our village shaman took me in as an apprentice, and I decided to one day become the mightiest goblin shaman alive. I am still working on it.
But after I survived everything the Sphere and the Gods threw at me, I decided to make some coins on the side by publishing my very own life story. But as most goblins do not read and more educated folks in the sphere seem to be to high nosed to read the memoirs of a tiny goblin I decided to search the multiverse for people that were stu… culturally interested in the life and times of a goblin shaman.
Here we are…
Hannes Wagner
Hannes is a human.
…oh, more? Isn’t that enough? Ok, fine!
Hannes is a human from the German tribe. I coerced him with mind bending magic to translate the “Goblin Love Stories” into the most used language on your planet, but as he did not know “Chinese” I settled for “English”.
He is an useful allround creator of text and pictures, middle aged, middle sized and father of two creatures whose behaviour sounds like standard goblins to me. If you are German, you may find some of his creative outbursts on the interwebs.
And now write: “Thank you, almighty Goblin Supreme”.
Thank you, almighty Goblin Supreme!
A STORY ABOUT
Goblins
Monsters
Action
Mead
The Sphere
Romance (lots)
A book by a goblin?
A book by a goblin? … who is going to...
Read More“He’s just a tiny disgusting goblin, and he wants, what all goblins want. One day I’m gonna smash his head in, but only after he finished that wonderful book series…”
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